Losses and New Beginnings

(cw: Death)

This is probably going to end up being horribly long and maybe not the best written, apologies in advance.

It’s Finally December, 2018 is about to come to a close and I’m pretty sure I’ve been exhausted every step of the way.

Back when the year started, I was eager to try and make this year a good one, despite the worsening political conditions in this country.

I was determined to get my personal website (this one) up and running as a portfolio for possible professional work and trying to get as many illustrations out as possible this year (oh boy,) and I was determined to be better in general about my physical and mental health.

I ended up eating healthier and taking care of myself a lot more often.

I even managed to finally buy a house together with my twin! A dream come true, really.

However, nearing the end of the year, things started getting Rough.

Like, really rough.

Like, really rough.

The first week or two of October, my uncle was hospitalized.

This wasn’t anything new, He had been fighting Leukemia since roughly 2012. At this point, he’d been in and out of the hospital because of chemotherapy.

We were all used to this, he’d be there for a while before bouncing back and coming home, complaining about how much he hated being in the hospital.

And it did happen, after a week of being in the ICU he was moved to a normal room. When my mom and I went to go visit him, he told us how tired he was of fighting. Six years worth of fighting takes it’s toll on you, I can’t imagine how he must have been feeling. We told him to hang in there, so he could get better and go home soon. I was feeling pretty good about his recovery, it was scary but I had thought the worst had ended.

But then my mother’s sister died.

It blindsided all of us, I was woken up early in the morning by my mom, who gave me the news and told me to come to work as soon as I could to take care of things while she was gone.

I don’t think I really had time to mourn my aunt, I had to help run my mom’s business while she went to Mexico to go to the funeral. I cried in between bank runs and shopping to get supplies ready. I had to be strong the week she was gone. I thought “surely things can’t get any worse.”

Mid-way through the week my dad informed me that my uncle was in the ICU again, in much worse condition than earlier in the month.

It was terrible. I remember the last few conversations with my uncle telling me that he should apologize to my mom because she just finished burying her sister and would have to bury him next. I told him he shouldn’t say things like that, I didn’t really know what else to say.

By the time my mom got back, we had to rush to the hospital because we thought he was going to be gone soon, this kind of set the mood for the entire week.

Eventually, that day came, and I don’t think anyone was really ready for it.

So now at this point, my family had lost two very close family members. My mom had lost her little sister and my dad had lost his little brother.

It’s been a very rough end to 2018. To say the least.

So as I’ve said before, it’s finally December.

The year is almost over and it feels a little bit relieving.

The past few months have changed my perspective on things a little bit.

A lot of it is “life it too short” ways of thinking in regards to many things in my life.

Weirdly enough, tumblr.com breaking down upon itself has made a lot of these feelings and my initial goals at the beginning of the year resurface.

It’s been real….interesting.

It’s been real….interesting.

It’s weird to attribute a large part of your identity to a barely functional website.

Truth is, without it, I would have never found out I was a lesbian and I would never have been as open minded as I am now. (There was a time shortly after I graduated high school that I thought transgender people were just seeking attention. I can’t imagine still thinking like that now, yikes.)

That said, I learned (and eventually, unlearned) many bad habits from that website too.

Now that it’s finally falling apart, it made me reflect on what I’ve gotten done on that site (and what I’ve gotten done this year too.)

I never really got “big” there, but it is where I have the most followers (although, given the nature of that website, I wouldn’t be surprised if most of those followers were bots.) Now that there’s the reality of losing my blog on that site, it equal parts sucks and feels liberating.

I don’t plan on disputing every single post that was flagged, that’s about six or seven years of posts and I honestly don’t feel like fighting with tumblr’s flawed algorithm in order to possibly save my blog if it gets deleted on the 17th. It was a long time coming and everything about that’s sites new rules is horribly gross and messy.

Six or so years of old art and sketches possibly being deleted kind of sucks but, at this point, I’ve lost so many more important things.

I started re-thinking some of my goals.

I ultimately decided to change this website from a portfolio into just a general hub for all my things for two reasons.

1.) I didn’t really have direction for a “professional” job. To be honest, I’m nowhere near that level at the moment, I don’t even know what sort of “professional” work I want to do! I don’t mind just having art be a thing I do on the side, I don’t think it could ever be my full time job. Not for lack of passion, but because I don’t even know what direction to take it in. And I am fine with that.

2.) Honestly, after experiencing trying to find “the” social media or social gallery site, I realized i’m tired of having to ping pong between different websites (Livejournal, dA, the mess that was Anipan, and now tumblr.) This doesn’t mean i’m never going to upload art to other places, I just wanted at least one site I know I could always upload stuff to, my own.

There’s still a lot I have to work on.

I want to see if I can join more collaborative projects (Mostly things like zines) and maybe, finally, start on some of my own personal projects. I’ll probably end up hosting them here honestly.

2018 ended up being more of a rollercoaster than I had ever imagined, I think i’m ready for a new year.